Thought I'd join the bandwagon and get a bit of feedback on the opening of a screenplay I'm working on. Like someone said (think it was Miker), if you're not hooked in the first ten or so minutes then its prolly gonna be shite....
Comments please...
FADE IN:
TITLE OVER: CHICAGO, PRESENT DAY
EXT. MAFIA MANSION HOUSE - DAY
BENITO, a slightly overweight Sicilian, walks with three suitclad
henchmen; ENZO, DINO and ROBERTO, towards the Mansion?s
huge oak door.
INT. MAFIA MANSION HOUSE, ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
A ?Goliath? DOORMAN sits at a high sided desk and glances at
a TV monitor which shows Benito et al outside. The Doorman
pushes the console, it BUZZES and the door unlocks. The men
enter and routinely place their pistols onto a small marbletopped
table -- they exit with the Doorman into the house.
INT. MAFIA MANSION HOUSE, POOL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Bathrobed Mafiosi chat at pool-side tables as BRUNO DEMARCO,
a grey haired and well-groomed Italian of small stature swims
alone in the pool.
The Doorman, with Benito, Enzo, Dino, and Roberto in tow,
enters.
Bruno finishes his length and climbs from the pool, his old
scars clearly exposed on his back. He ignores Benito and puts
on a pure white bathrobe, places a Havana cigar to his mouth
and sits on the reclined sun lounger. The Doorman leans
forward and offers a flaming lighter; Bruno sucks the cigar
and exhales a huge cloud of smoke. He pulls the cigar from
his mouth and stares at it.
BRUNO
Sheer fuckin? perfection this is
Benito, sheer fuckin? perfection.
Slim, beautifully formed and
doesn?t leave a bad taste in my
mouth.
(looks to Benito stood to
his front)
Unlike this prick in front of me.
BENITO
But Bruno..
Bruno closes his fingers and thumb in a ?shut up? gesture.
BRUNO
You?re late. I say ten o? clock.
(looks at GUCCI watch)
It?s five past. You takin? the
piss?
Benito gulps.
BRUNO (cont?d)
You realise the crap I?ve had to
deal with this morning? I had the
damn police visiting me in my own
home. You wanna know how much I
hate the police?
Bruno pulls out a pistol from his robe and calmly spins it on
the table. Aggressively he SLAMS down his hand and raises it
to point at Benito.
Benito gulps again.
BRUNO (cont?d)
Benito -- you gonna tell me why the
Police Commissioner was in my house
today?
Benito remains silent.
MAURICIO, a Puerto Rican, dressed in a tracksuit and loafers
enters. He kisses Bruno on both cheeks; his face is bruised
and he has gaps in his teeth.
BENITO
(mutters)
Oh fuck. Mauricio.
INT. DIRTY CHICAGO POOL HALL - (PREVIOUS) NIGHT
Mauricio (minus bruises) lays face up on a pool table
surrounded by Enzo, Roberto and Dino with their pistols
drawn. Benito, stood on the table, towers over him with a
pool cue in hand.
BENITO
I don?t get it Mauricio. How can
such a lazy fuck like you have so
much money? You screwing Bruno in
the ass?
Benito throws the cue onto the pool table and suddenly kicks
Mauricio in the groin. The henchmen wince as Mauricio groans
and writhes.
Benito draws his pistol, jumps onto Mauricio and straddles
him. He pushes the pistol into Mauricio?s eye.
BENITO (cont?d)
Where?s the money?
Mauricio opens his mouth and reveals a yellow pool ball
inside; his bloody gold teeth glisten around it. He mumbles
inaudibly.
BENITO (cont?d)
You gonna be mute? I?ll make you
fuckin? mute!
Benito pistol whips Mauricio across the face.
Mauricio spits out the pool ball and his broken gold teeth
onto the pool table. He SCREAMS in agony.
Benito picks up the gold teeth.
BENITO (cont?d)
First installment.
The three henchmen stare at Benito in shock.
INT. MAFIA MANSION HOUSE, POOL HOUSE - DAY
Bruno straddles Benito on the wet pool-side. He pushes his
gun into Benito?s mouth. Roberto, Enzo and Dino, look on.
BRUNO
Do I have cunt tattooed on my face?
Benito gags.
BRUNO (cont?d)
Do you think I?d never find out you
were dealing shit behind my back?
Who the fuck do you think I am?
Bruno pushes the pistol further down Benito?s throat.
BRUNO (cont?d)
I?m Bruno de fuckin Marco that?s
who!
Bruno removes the pistol from Benito?s mouth.
BENITO
(coughs)
I can explain.
Bruno shoves the pistol back in his mouth and cuts him short.
BRUNO
I don?t give a fuck. When you work
for me, you work only for me. When
the police tell me a deal?s going
on and I don?t know about it, then
I wanna know about it. When I find
out it?s you, I sure as fuck wanna
know about it.
Bruno stands and offers his hand to Benito. Bruno brushes
down Benito?s suit and helps him to his feet.
He smiles as though it?s a joke.
BRUNO (cont?d)
I should whack you here and now as
an example Mr. Pussy Cat, but I?m a
soft fuck and you got a ninth life.
Bruno puts his hand out to LUIGI, a fat Mafioso.
BRUNO (cont?d)
Luigi, tickets.
Luigi hands an envelope to Bruno. Bruno opens it and pulls
out three tickets.
BENITO
I know, I can explain.
Bruno places his hand on Benito?s shoulder.
BRUNO
Don?t worry about it. It?s in the
past. I forgot already.
BENITO
So what do you want us to do?
BRUNO
You gonna pack.
(beat)
Then you gonna get on a plane.. and
go to England.
Benito looks shocked.
BRUNO (cont?d)
Go launder some money for me, go do
some deals for me, and for the good
of your health stay out of my face
for me.
(hands a ticket to Benito
and kisses him)
But do me a favour Benito and don?t
rip me off.
(hands a ticket to Enzo
and kisses him)
Go pack Enzo.
(hands a ticket to Dino
and kisses him)
God speed Dino.
Bruno looks at his empty hands and then at Roberto.
BRUNO (cont?d)
(kisses him)
Unlucky.
Bruno raises his pistol and shoots Roberto in the chest; he
projects rearward into the swimming pool.
Mauricio laughs annoyingly.
BRUNO (cont?d)
What the fuck are you laughing at?
Bruno shoots Mauricio.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">switched off already, sorry. you know it's been done before and you know it's been done with a budget of millions. good luck with it though!EXT. MAFIA MANSION HOUSE - DAY
BENITO, a slightly overweight Sicilian, walks with three suitclad
henchmen; ENZO, DINO and ROBERTO, towards the Mansion?s
huge oak door.
On having actually read this intro, I agree that it is similar to most "gangster" films (but what ganster film isn't the same as all of the others-or am I judging a book by it's cover!). But I am interested in the british angle and where you're going to take it.
Is this going to be a comedy or serious? It could pan out a bit like Get Shorty.
It's a comedy.... quite a few parodies on Scarface, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas etc. Basically comparing what we think about "gangsters" married up with complete clusterfucks of a mining town in Yorkshire who think they can beat the mob....
Can post up the next few minutes worth if anyone wants to read em.... none of the characters as yet are the protagonist
Me
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 06, 2006 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Them1tch ]</font>
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